SURVIVING A SUICIDE LOSS

Today’s Message of Encouragement from Discovering A BETTER LIFE MINISTRIES (Stories of Real People, Real Events, Real Places) Is dedicated to HELPING Men and Women Find HOPE! (Ron Bainbridge Editor) www.discoveringabetterlife.org.au (March 5th, 2019)

Friends, in over 50-years of Christian ministry, I have experienced the sad task of conducting funeral services for people, both young and old, who have gassed, drowned, hung, shot, and drug—overdosed themselves. And such occasions have only reinforced my determination to do something positive to help men and women (especially our youth) to realize that there is a better way of dealing with stress, pressure, and depression, than destroying themselves.

A recent report In The West Australian newspaper indicates that Suicide is a leading cause of death in people under the age of 44 in Australia, and that more people die each year from Suicide than in accidents on West Australian roads. That report went on to say, that on average, 238 people commit Suicide in Western Australia every year!

These startling statistics depict Suicide as a growing epidemic and very high on the option menu for many of our young people. In fact, according to the World Health Organization, Australia has the fourth highest youth suicide rate in the world.

Sadly, every year in rural Australia many people are committing suicide, and each suicide leaves many distressed survivors. Grieving the loss of a loved one is painful enough, but Suicide survivors face a more complicated grief because they must also deal with the fact that their loved one chose to die.

In fact, suicide devastates family members for many years; family survivors are at a greater risk of suicide themselves and the pain ripples out to entire communities.

Friends, some years ago I received a letter from a person who has been a reader of my column for many years. This person was deeply concerned for a number of his friends who were experiencing great difficulty in coming to terms with the suicidal death of a young, married farmer in their isolated rural community, who had left behind a grieving wife, three young children, and a shattered community of friends. In his letter, he asked if I would be willing to address how family and friends might best survive a loved one’s suicide.

Having myself suffered the loss of a loved one, who has chosen to end their life by suicide, it is hard to believe life can ever be normal again. However, there is hope! Although you are changed forever by such a tragedy, life can once again have hope and meaning.

Naturally, when someone you know and love has ended their life, you may at first feel stunned and troubled by the powerful reactions you experience. Sometimes you might feel very angry – at your feelings or at other people around you. Sometimes you may feel like dying too. It is only natural that some very confusing and emotional times can be expected and you will need support.

What becomes of these intense, relentless feelings? They usually diminish as months and years pass, although some residual feelings may remain unresolved. Recognizing how best to accommodate and cope with these feelings can help you advance the healing process.

When we experience the suicide of a relative or close friend, talking and sharing with people who love us lightens our burdens and the pain becomes less intense. In fact, survivors of suicide need to let others know that talking about suicide is essential to the healing of powerful emotions that merge and explode in the initial aftermath of losing someone who has chosen to take their own life.

Survivors often feel numb, or deny that their loved one committed suicide. Sometimes they go to great lengths to persuade themselves that the death was accidental or the result of a murder, even in the overwhelming evidence that it was suicide. On top of this, many survivors experience the emotions of guilt, fear, anger, or a sense of personal failure. These feelings may cause some survivors to become depressed or be overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Sometimes this depression will skew their perspective and distort their thinking and when they reach this point, they need professional help.

Perhaps, like the person who asked me to write about coping with a suicide loss, you too are struggling with how you can comfort a suicide survivor. If so, I’d like to provide you with a list of things to do and things not to do to comfort survivors.

My TO DO LIST is simple: Give those who are grieving all the understanding and love that you can. Give them your time. Be there for them as often as you can. Let them talk about whatever they are feeling or thinking, and let them express their grief. Offer ideas but not advice, and let them decide what they want to do and when they want to do it. Pay attention to brothers, sisters, and grandparents during the funeral, as well as the months following the funeral. Listen when they want to tell you about the special talents and qualities of their loved one who committed suicide.

Encourage Suicide survivors to read inspirational literature, poetry, the Bible (i.e. Psalms 23, 46 & 103; Romans 8 & 12), or books by people who have experienced profound grief, yet found hope, peace and joy in living. (I suggest ‘A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis).

My DON’T LIST is also simple: Don’t assume you know best, or know how they feel. Don’t make comparisons to your own loss of parent, child, or friend who did not die by suicide. Don’t tell them how they should feel, or try to change their feelings. Let them feel whatever they are feeling and wherever they are feeling it.

Feelings are personal and individualized. Don’t tell them this was Gods will or preach to them. They will draw strength from their own faith, if that is important to them. Don’t change the subject if they want to talk about their lost loved one. If the loss was a child, don’t point out the fact that they have other children. Children are not interchangeable. And don’t add to their feelings of guilt by pointing out things that could have been done differently.

Obviously there are many more “DO’S” and “DON’TS” that I could share with you, but space does not allow me to list them. However, if you would like a more comprehensive list I’d be happy to send that to you. But for now, I sincerely hope that these thoughts I have shared with you today may have provided you with some skills to cope with suicide, as well as being in a better position of being a helpful friend to a suicide survivor.

One more thing, if you or someone you know is grieving because of the Suicide of a relative or close friend, then we want you to know that help is available. Lifeline can be reached on 13 11 14.

The Salvation Army’s Hope for Life website: www.suicideprevention.salvos.org.au also provides details on how to support someone affected by Suicide.

Our Discovering A BETTER LIFE website, www.discoveringabetterlife.org.au also provides details of other agencies you can contact for additional support. Simply click on the links under Helpful Information and you will find helpful websites such as:

Advocates for Health website is: http://americanaddictioncenters.org/co-occurring-disorders/

Learn Psychology’s website is: http://www.learnpsychology.org/suicide-depression-student-guidebook/

You may also like to look at the following valuable Suicide Awareness and Prevention Guide site: http://www.gentledentalstclairshores.com/suicide-awareness-and-prevention-guide/

HEARTBEAT, http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org/index.shtml provides peer Grief Support offering empathy, encouragement and direction following the suicide of a loved one.

Friend, perhaps you will find some help and comfort for yourself and family in the PDF Handbook for Survivors of Suicide, which can be downloaded from the internet, free of charge, at: https://www.sprc.org/sites/default/files/migrate/library/SOS_handbook.pdf

The Discovering A BETTER LIFE team have found this PDF Handbook to be wonderfully comprehensive and an extremely practical and helpful resource for sharing with others who have become survivors of suicide in their own families. It makes known that there is comfort in knowing that others have walked a similar journey. I would encourage you to check it out and share from it with others, whatever information you feel might be of help to your own grieving family members.

Friends, if you are affected by the loss of a loved one through suicide, may God bless you with His healing, peace of mind, and love, along with the wisdom and the strength to return to a normal life.

With Christian love, Ron and the Discovering A BETTER LIFE team

One more thing, if you or someone you know is grieving because of the suicide of a relative or close friend, then we want you to know that help is available. If you would like to avail yourself of this help, we encourage you to contact Discovering A BETTER LIFE for a FREE copy of a small booklet titled “Surviving a Loved One’s SUICIDE.”

Our mailing address is: P.O. Box 1540, Albany Western Australia 6331. Telephone your request for “Surviving A Loved One’s SUICIDE” on: (08) 98 418 418 Or by E-mail at: abl-alb@omninet.net.au

Discovering A BETTER LIFE www.discoveringabetterlife.org.au HELPING MEN AND WOMEN FIND HOPE

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